*le sigh*

So methinks Ive developed a crush on my coworker. Great right? No.

1) I don’t do fraternizing. And

2) I’d never have the courage to mention it anyway unless he felt the same way.

How do I describe him? Well physically he’s just what the doctor ordered with a personality that rewards you for getting past his stone-like aura. Educated, hard-working, and is a MAN in every sense of the word (by man I’m not talking about these fairies we’ve been plagued with. He’s a man your parents seen growing up that everyone respected.)

I hate that I like him. Seriously.

I don’t like feeling attached to something unattainable. He’s single…but I don’t feel safe enough traveling the road of rejection with a man of that caliber. I mean yall saw how I handled Morris Brown smh.

So ill just admire in silence until I force myself to not be attracted to him. *shrugs*

That I can walk into interviews and wow the panel, speak in front of large crowds with ease, and get nearly everything I want when it comes to my goals…but I have ZERO confidence to speak to a guy I’m interested in?

I can handle rejection everywhere else but from a potential suitor. Why is that rejection so much greater than the others to me? And I don’t see myself trying to get the courage to change either.

Things that make me go “hmmm.”

Yes.

Being single has its disadvantages…I guess.

I talked to my dad about the many car troubles I’m having (if its not one thing its another on that joker). So my dad asked me why don’t I have a boyfriend to fix my car for me. Considering how often he asks me about my love life every time we talk and my update is still the same you would think that he would rejoice over the fact that he doesn’t have to worry about any clown trying to break his daughter’s heart. But no, if anything its kind of the opposite. I know sometimes he asks in jest, but I can feel the pressure coming on. Both of my parents were in their early 20s when they got married (mom was 21, dad was 24), and here I am at 25 with nary a child, ring, let alone boyfriend to my name. Mom doesn’t mind that I’m single, so why does dad? I think I’m doing pretty good for myself. I’m in my mid-twenties with a degree (and another in progress), I have a full-time salary paying job, birthed no bastards, and I support myself financially. I know I’m still young, but I’m whispering in the ear of 30 and thats when time starts ticking allegedly. I’m not so much focused on a ticking biological clock as I am financial sustainability, something none of my parents, grandparents, probably even my great grandparents had. As far as I know, my reproductive organs work fine…but my finances and place in life is no position to start a family. My goal right now is to straighten my credit score out and begin ownership in properties, cementing my finances so that my kids will have more than what I had growing up. Plus I dont have the patience to entertain people that I have little or no interest in just to say I can. Life is just too short to spend time on people who you don’t care for and vice versa.

Its been another 6 months since I last had sex. I’ve noticed that I can go much longer without it since I got my “cravings” under control. I don’t want to make my relationship: relation partner ratio astronomical. Too many times I see women take the YOLO approach to their sex life (which is okay if that’s your perogative…I’m not judging) but when it comes time to settle down the skeletons come back to haunt them. Unfortunately we live in an indiscreet society where there’s a strong chance that anything said/done in confidence can become public knowledge with consequences. I don’t believe that anyone should supress themselves because of others, but as a woman when it comes to sexuality we don’t have it to “act like a man” and get away with it. Is that to say that women with a high relation partner: relationship ratio aren’t in serious relationships? No. But what I look like racking up on bodies for the sake of a good time? It gets tiring after a while to keep experimenting. Some folks hop on penis after penis and have nothing to show for it (and I don’t mean just tangible things). Maybe I’m taking my time a bit more seriously now because casual sex has no appeal to me considering I want something substancial in my life.

Despite everything I just said, I am still crossing my fingers in hopes that someone WORTHY enters my life soon. There are still those who wish to be suitors that I definitely don’t want, so I don’t entertain. How hard is it for there to be someone to just blow me away? I dunno…I’m just talking though.

Throwback. This song still makes me feel some type of way…